


Funny Story

by crapso



Series: Tumblr Prompts [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Babies, Crime, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 12:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3651168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crapso/pseuds/crapso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Anonymous:</b> I love your style holy shit. writing prompt: kagehina steals a baby</p>
            </blockquote>





	Funny Story

**Author's Note:**

> this ended up waaaaay longer than I planned it I'm so sorry

**_SLAM_ **

“KAGEYAMA?!”

“Jesus.”

“KAGEYAMA.”

“Here!” Kageyama snapped back, pulling out a tray of burnt cookies from inside the oven. He threw it down with a clatter and threw the oven mitts right on top, swearing.

“Shit. Last time I use Pam.” He called, “Hey, you know this stuff gives you cancer?”

He turned to the man entering the kitchen, curious at his silence as he leaned against the door with red cheeks and his winter coat, large carry-on bag in his hand.

“What’s wrong? Usually when I say that you usually say something stupid like… ‘everything gives you cancer’.” Kageyama made his voice go all high-pitched, his teasing smile fading, “Dude, what’s actually wrong. You have that guilty look on your face. Like you just set a building on fire.”

“I- uh-” Hinata breathed deeply, clutching the bag tighter, “There’s a problem?”

“You didn’t… actually set a building on fire, did you?”

“No, but, don’t get mad at me.”

“Mad?” Kageyama put his hands on his hips, the kitchen filling with smoke of burnt cookies around him, “Why would I get mad at you, it’s not even noon yet-”

_“Blareg-ou!”_

Both men froze, Hinata’s cheeks getting redder and Kageyama’s widened eyes practically popped out of his head as they lowered to the large conspicuous carry-on bag in his roommates hand.

“Hinata.”

“Yeah.”

“I know your vocabulary is limited,” Kageyama said quietly, “but even I know you didn’t just make that sound.”

Hinata put the bag down on the table, taking its contents out with slow hands as he smiled shyly and propped up his luggage into his arms.

“I… I stole a baby.”

The smoke detector went off.

* * *

The next few minutes were very loud, mostly consisting of the tiny baby boy, named Sachi, wailing loudly in Hinata’s arms as Hinata wailed as well. And Kageyama screaming back, demanding answers as he flailed his arms like flagging down a plane, waving two rolled up magazines underneath the smoke detector to get it to stop while Sachi tried to compete with it.

“WHY. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY.”

“IT WASN’T MY FAULT!” Hinata sobbed, “I WAS VISITING MRS. INUKAI AND HE JUST CRAWLED INTO MY CARRY-ON BAG AND FELL ASLEEP!”

“REALLY? REALLY, HINATA? BECAUSE I REALLY DOUBT THAT,” Kageyama began hitting the smoke detector with his magazine, yelling at each whack, “BASED- ON THE EVIDENCE- THAT THE BABY- CONSPICIOUSLY- JUST ENDED UP IN YOUR FUCKING BAG.”

“T- TURN THAT THING OFF!” Hinata screeched, tears in his eyes.

“ARE YOU CRYING?!”

“NO, JUST THE- I GOT SMOKE IN MY FUCKING EYES.” Hinata pointed at the infant in his hands, “HE’S CRYING!”

The smoke detector finally turned off, Kageyama sighing and bending down as he dropped the magazines on the table and the room reduced to silence, the baby’s cries blubbering into dialled down whimpers and Kageyama ran his hands through his hair.

“Okay.” He said, sounding choked up from the smoke and the situation at hand, “Tell me exactly what happened, so we can get our story straight for when we give him back.”

Hinata sighed shakily, rubbing the baby’s side, “I was at Mrs. Inukai’s for an hour, just chatting. She was really tired and apparently got no sleep because of Sachi’s crying.”

“Who?” Kageyama interrupted.

“Sachi.” Hinata pointed again, “This is Sachi. Sachi, meet Kageyama. Kageyama, meet Sachi.”

Kageyama glared at the drooling lump in Hinata’s hand, regarding his new territory with wide, green eyes. He pulled a hand, drenched in saliva, out of his mouth and reached out to touch the kitchen wall next to him, drawing on it with his spit as he babbled in pride.

Kageyama stared.

“Pleasure.”

“By the time I was on the train and noticed, it was too late. Mrs. Inukai barely pays any attention to him. If she did, she wouldn’t have let the goddamn angel crawl into my bag in the first place.”

“That’s- not the point, Hinata!” Kageyama waved his hand in frustration, “I’m sure she’s noticed by now! And very scared! Kidnapping is a felony, you know?”

“I know!” Hinata bounced Sachi up and down nervously, jiggling him, “I know, I know. Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll get on a train heading back out of town right now, and just calmly return the baby. And then explain my situation and where I’m coming from to her and the cops, and hopefully this will all blow over by tomorrow and it’ll be a funny story to tell in two years.”

“Nuh uh. Nope. Think again.” Kageyama said firmly, “You return that baby and tell the _truth?_ You’re looking at five- maybe ten years in prison.”

“Why?!”

“Because you’re a boy. A working class boy in his mid-twenties who’s stolen another boy. A little boy. Think about how that sounds.”

“Okay?”

“You’re not a female, baby-sitting sweetheart, Hinata! You can’t just laugh off your mistakes.”

“Okay, rude. And _sexist_.” Hinata jiggled the baby harder, “Just because I’m male doesn’t mean I’m going to be put behind bars immediately for taking candy from a baby.”

“You took a _baby_ from its _mother_. That’s bad, you’re bad.”

“It wasn’t my _fault!”_ Hinata began jiggling him harder, Sachi looking more befuddled, “How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“Many, obviously! An infinite amount! Becauses I WILL NEVER BELIEVE YOU-”

“I was there to support you that time you accidentally stole a pack of condoms and then hid in your room for two days!”

“That was completely different! And stop jiggling him, Hinata, he looks sick."

“How? How was it any different?”

“Because- because I didn’t steal a baby, and the condoms were particularly good and expensive ones.”

“Particularly good? Particularly good?”

“Oh, you don’t know, you’ve only had sex with me like three times!”

“Yeah!” Hinata scoffed, baby groaning in his arms, “And then after every time you go make food and avoid me like the black plague for the next 24 hours. Speaking of which, we should really talk about what to label this.”

“How about let’s do that after we return the baby that you stole.”

“How about, you take your _cool_ , _expensive_ condoms, and shove them-” Hinata stopped, freezing and gasping at the small burp and enormous amount of warm, yellow liquid suddenly spilling all over his shirt.

“Oh my god.” He whispered, “Oh my god.”

“Fuck.” Kageyama grabbed a tea towel, “I told you to stop shaking him.”

“Baby puked. Baby puked on me.” Hinata said in shock.

“Well, he learned from the best. Only spent two hours with you and he’s already picking up on your bad habits.” Kageyama carefully took the wet baby, cleaning his face and then spitting onto the towel and dabbing his stained shirt as Hinata shook and grabbed at his own sweatshirt.

“Holy shit. Holy shit.”

“Calm down.”

“Did I break him? I broke him.”

“You didn’t break him.” Kageyama sighed, nodding, “Get your stuff and my shoes, we’re going.”

“Back? I thought you said-”

“I know what I said. But hopefully, we can come up with some kind of makeshift alibi that will sound believable enough so you won’t go to jail, and Sachi will go home to his terrible mother. Yeah?” He lifted up the baby in his hands, talking in a softened voice, “How’s that sound, pumpkin? You sack of shit and bodily fluids.”

Hinata smirked, pulling off his sweatshirt, “So much fatherly material to work with here.”

“Stuff, shoes, _now_.”

“I’m going, I’m going. _Dad.”_

* * *

The train clattered and hummed, racing past lines of suburban neighbourhoods on the outskirts of town as Kageyama counted the blocks of light from the windows while passing by.

“Okay.” He said in a quiet tone, even though besides him, the redhead, and the now clean but slightly stinky baby drooling and giggling in the redhead’s arms, there was only two other people on the train to hear them.

“This is the plan.”

Hinata wasn’t listening, cooing and vibrating the baby’s lips with his fingers.

“Hinata! Listen to me, dammit. This is the plan!”

“Kageyama, look, he’s got silly lips.”

“I did not know today would end up like this.” Kageyama rubbed his eyes, “But of course I should never be surprised none of my days turn out as planned, considering I’m living with _you_.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I was going to cook. I was going to sauté.”

“You took one cooking class online, calm down.” Hinata stroked Sachi’s hair, winding the brown lock around his fingers and Kageyama placed the palms of his hands on his knees.

“Okay. So. The baby got outside. Somehow. We’ll sort that detail out later.”

“A capybara scuttled into the window and pulled him back out with his teeth!”

“Shut up, fuck. You realize you could go to jail?”

“You realize capybaras are the largest members of the rodent family and generally weigh 100 pounds?” Hinata turned back to the baby, grabbing his nose and pinching it repeatedly while Sachi tittered underneath him.

“Oop, got your nose! Okay, you can have it back. Oop, got it again! I stole it again!” Hinata’s face suddenly turned serious, “That’s taxes for you, Sachi.”

“Stop. Stop it.” Kageyama slapped his hand, taking a deep breath and adjusting himself in the seat, “Okay. So Sachi ended up outside, but we don’t know how.”

“Mhm.”

“And then you were _about_ to get on the train, when you realized that Sachi had been following you the whole time! And suddenly, whoa, he was there.”

Hinata stared, “Kageyama. Sachi’s not even two. He can barely walk, how do you expect him to get to the train station?”

“Maybe he grabbed onto the back of a taxi.”

“What the fuck is this, Toy Story?”

“Look, you don’t know how he got there, he’s just there.” Kageyama snarled, “And it’s too late already because the doors to the train are closing and Sachi’s already on there with you and the train only runs one way.”

“This is the worst,  _worst_ alibi.”

“You’re the one who wanted my help!” Kageyama threw his head back, hitting it against the plastic seat and swearing and he heard a chuckle.

“Fucking shut up.”

“That wasn’t me that laughed, it was Sachi.”

“Well tell your puking thing to fucking shut up as well.”

Hinata smiled warmly, tucking in Sachi’s blanket to keep him warmer, “This puking thing’s pretty cute.”

Kageyama peered out of the corner of his eyes at the bright green ones and tuft of copper hair, pink, wet fingers stuck between lips.

“He’s… alright.”

“Cute. He’s cute.”

“He’s average.”

“No.” Hinata whispered, “He’s really not.”

Kageyama stared at him and shuffled in his seat, speaking slowly, “Hey… Hinata, listen. Is this all-?”

“Oh my goodness!” Two old ladies passing by suddenly leaned in, “What a sweet thing he is!”

“I know, right?” Hinata grinned at them, reflecting their sweet, sunny personality and Kageyama thought about how easily he could pass of ass an old person any day.

“He’s a little button!”

“He totally is!”

“Look at those eyes!”

“Bright as emeralds.”

“Oh.” One of the ladies smiled warmly at Kageyama, “You two look like such loving fathers.”

Hinata’s smile dropped, “What.”

“I’m sure he’s very lucky to have you both. Such a sweet couple.”

 _“No!”_ Hinata reeled back, shaking his head and Kageyama did the same, hands up in the air.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.”

“No. No ho ho, absolutely _no_.”

“Nope. No.”

“I- wh- no.”

“Just no.”

The old ladies moved away in shock, mumbling apologies.

“We’re sorry. We didn’t mean-”

“Yeah.” Hinata said, “And we appreciate your liberal mentality and shipping desire considering your surprising age, but not in a million years.”

“Billion years.”

“Trillion years.”

Kageyama waved his hand, “Move along please.”

“Sorry.”

“We’re sorry.”

“I just _found_ this child, okay?” Hinata called after them, “On the ground.”

“Hinata, calm down, they’re gone. And don’t say that.”

* * *

“You ready to do this?”

Hinata frowned heavily, obviously showing his waver as he tucked Saichi subconsciously closer to his chest. They were standing outside a white picket fence, in one of the nicer far away neighbourhoods where he was earlier that day.

“Maybe this is the wrong address.”

“Nope, pretty sure it’s not. Also you were just here a few hours ago.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this.” Hinata said quickly, “I mean, if Mrs. Inukai doesn’t even care that much to send out search parties, or a- a fucking swat team.”

“Swat team? Really, Hinata.”

“Not even an amber alert!” Hinata declared in false shock and Kageyama looked down at the sidewalk to hide his smile.

“Hinata.”

“Not one single amber alert. None.”

“Hinata.”

“Not one alert was amber today.”

“Hina- Shou!”

Hinata looked up, startled and blushing slightly, “You called me Shou.”

“And you don’t want to return a baby you stole. I guess this day is full of surprises.” Kageyama’s tone was harsh, but a ghost of a smile was still evident and his eyes glittered behind his dark bangs. Hinata sighed softly and rubbed the soft baby’s cheeks.

“I like him.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to give him back.”

“You can always see him from time to time.”

“After this? Are you kidding me? Mrs. Inukai will probably file a restraining order.”

“Then, we can get a dog.”

“I don’t want a dog.” Hinata said sadly, kissing Sachi’s forehead, “I want a baby.”

Kageyama smiled again, feeling uncharacteristically happy and sentimental and he bent down to run his finger along the baby’s nose.

“He is pretty cute. And non-average, I suppose.” Sachi giggled at the ticklish sensation and grabbed Kageyama’s finger, holding his hand and smiling up at him and Kageyama’s own smile reflected his, growing immensely as his eyes squinted and shone and Hinata stared up at the sight in wonder.

After a while he caught himself and let go, straightening back up with a grunt of, “The hell you looking at.” And Hinata just gave him a small smile.

“You.” He whispered. Kageyama blinked at him in shock, pink gathering at his neck and ears, and he opened his mouth to say something-

“Shou-chan?”

They both jumped and turned, a middle-aged woman walking down the steps of the house towards them.

“What are you still doing here?”

“I- uh-” Hinata held out the baby on instinct, predicting her to burst into emotional, panicked tears but she hardly reacted. Just looked at the bundle of dirty clothes and blankets with green eyes poking out and took it from him, “Oh, Sachi! How did you get outside?”

“Right, so, _a capybara-”_

“I could have sworn he was just upstairs with me…” She yawned, “I had a long nap, wasn’t paying attention.”

Hinata looked at her in horror, “You didn’t notice… at all…”

“Notice what? Him going outside for a few minutes, no. But I’m so glad you caught him though, thank you, Shou.” She smiled and carried the bundle back into the house, “Let me know if you need anything, sweetie. Safe trip back.”

“Y- yeah, thanks. Bye.”

The door closed behind them, but not before Sachi stuck his little head out and waved at the two of them, grinning happily and vibrating his own lips with his fingers.

“Oh, silly lips.” Hinata whimpered as the door shut, their hands waving back still in the air and Kageyama turned to find tears in his brown eyes and a wobbly smile on his face.

“Hey, don’t cry. Come on.”

“I’m not. Shut up.”

They walked down the sidewalk back to the train, feet shuffling on the concrete as they put their hands in their pockets and puffed out breaths of frozen air.

“You know that shit that they say about maternal instincts?” Hinata said.

“Yeah?”

“That’s fucking bullshit. I’m calling it.”

“I think it just depends on the maternal source.” Kageyama chuckled. “You’re going to be a good father one day. And don’t pretend like that wasn’t what this entire day was about, because I know for a fact those trains run two ways. You could have returned Sachi the minute you found him in your stupid carry-on bag, but you didn’t.”

“Yeah, whatever. You’re going to be a good father too one day so, shut your face.”

“Hey, food?”

“Yeah.”

“Restaurant? My treat?”

Hinata smirked, “You asking me out?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

“I don’t know, are you?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

“I don’t know, are you?”

Their voices faded away into the cold wind, an eventual “Yeah, I am.” being heard of through all the noise.

* * *

  _Two Years Later_

“And, so, it proved to be a funny story. As I predicted.” Hinata’s eyes and teeth twinkled with his champagne glass held in the air and the crowd around him laughed lowly.

“And for the past two years, me and Tobio have not stolen another baby since then. You can all relax. But, we have never stopped being parents to each other, and dog or baby in the house, that will never change.” He smiled warmly at the black haired man with an unloosened tux behind him, and then turned back to the crowd.

“ _And_ we stopped denying comments on the train about us being a couple, around four months of into being engaged.” The crowd laughed again and Kageyama leaned in suddenly, muttering viciously but smiling and looking very in love.

“There better not be any cops here.”

“There’s not,” Hinata muttered back, “I checked the invite list twice. AND SO!” He raised his glass high in the air, “If you could all raise your glasses to the groom and the groom, and our future puking, sack of shit…”


End file.
